Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
