Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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