I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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