he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
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Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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