From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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