The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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