In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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