I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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