there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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