Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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