i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
