I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
