I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
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I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
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I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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