Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
