I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
