Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
