so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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