Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.