The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
