my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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