I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize