By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
