i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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