Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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