so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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