So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.