A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.