i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.