he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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