I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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