When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
