I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We had to coat check the pizza.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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