my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
