My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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