What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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