You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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