Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
