we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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