Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm at about main and main street
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Randomize
