If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
