Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
