She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
