Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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