Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my being single is dangerous.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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