So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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