i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
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