Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
