3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
