I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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