so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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