Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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