she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
