I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
