There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Im part way to drunk.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
