What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
