woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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