I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
